havent updated in forever

so i have such a stressful life & its so hard & aggravating i figured id start writing in here again to vent & hopefully get rid of some of the stress.

im not even sure where to begin, it seems like everything is going wrong pretty much.

I have a crappy car that i feel like i got tricked into buying & now i cant get another one because of a car accident from forever ago that wasnt even my fault or my car involved.

plus we live in a stupid apartment with jackass neighbors on both sides & its stressful, scary, & annoying to have to constantly deal with them

but we cant move because even though we were supposed to save up a bunch of money to do so, like half of it got spent on Seans piece of shit car that isnt even worth it plus it takes away the little bit of time we have to spend together not that he ever wants to spend it anywhere near me anyways.

I feel like im getting used & totally unloved by Sean and sometimes i dont even know why im still around & keep putting up with it cuz im constantly telling him how i feel & instead of being like normal people & try to change it & prove it he gets mad & then stays away longer.
sometimes i just feel like packing up his shit & putting it outside so he cna get it & get the hell outta my life... idk i cant explain it. he has no clue how bad it hurts to sit around everyday with a hectic life that HE chose & created & then feel like u dont mean shit to them anyways. its the most painful heartbreaking thing in the world & i go through it everyday.

just like this week, today is the only day ill get to spend with him was tonight after work & he couldnt even come home & spend 10 minutes with me he dropped the baby back off with me then was like okay bye im gonig to work on my engine.

i cant even put into words how completely miserable & horrible hes made me feel the past year or so.

how hard is it to show someone u love them & to try to spend time with them?? we used to be together every chance we got, now i ant even beg him to spend time with me because he still wont care enough to do it.

i mean i fuckin love the kid to death more than he'll ever know & to feel like hes just using that & doesnt give a fuck about me is so painful.

well i gotta go i got a kid to take care of since one of us has to do it & it definitely wont be him...



so yea, the other night was not cool. Felt violated to wake up with my shorts off feeling like i was in jail. I mean for real, hes been gettin' stuff like he wanted and he still decides to go and do something like that. Seriously I had to go take a shower & sleep on the couch. I felt so violated.

It's what 2 days later now & i still can't get over it. Like seriously how do you do something like that? idk.
I did kiss him goodbye this morning, I wouldnt even kiss him yesterday. felt bad but he needs to know that it was seriously wrong.
I guess he got mad cuz he went & slept on the couch. which was like oh my god shocker! its always me sleeping on the couch. but nope he did, & im not even exactly sure why. just woke up & he was out there.

dunno how we are gonna pay rent & everything. my check was nowhere near where I needed it to be. this bites.

&& to top it all off... I have a bad feeling that i'm pregnant again...
  • Current Mood
    shocked shocked


it's days like yesterday, nights like last night that make me think i mean absolutely nothing at all to him.

&& he doesn't even think he did anything wrong.

but he also said that sex is more important than me n that if he (couldnt) get it then he wouldnt stay with me. && its not just like he said he wouldnt he was like wouldn't u want me to go get someone else.
Like wtf.

so yea, this is just another coincidence that proves I mean nothing to him & all he cares about is trying to get some.

im so tired of it.

you have no idea how i felt yesterday... no idea in the world
  • Current Music
    my heart shattering
so alone


I definitely didn't realize it has been 3 weeks since i've written in here... guess its all just the same anyways. me n Sean fight, he does stupid stuff on the computer, he doesnt delete it all from the history, I feel like i never mattered. whats the point in retelling that every couple of days. its like everything is so different now that we live together I see everything he's done behind my back since the beginning & hes still doing it. he just acts like its by accident & that its not him, but come on, im not a fucking idiot. its like idk what to do. cuz he always has some excuse & somehow always turns it on me. its like what do i do. do i leave so he knows im dead serious about the shit. or do i just go on puttin up with it just feeling like im nothing to him n that he doesnt care about me like he says he does. either way it bites hardcore. i feel like I never meant enough to him ever. & when i do try to tell him that he gets mad, but then he keeps doing it. && its like everytime I find it he acts like it just magically appeared there because he forgot to delete it all. so what do i do? i cant trust him or believe him cuz hes just going back & deleting it cuz he knows i keep finding it. what kinda way it that to fuckin live. he even deletes all his mail & stuff & wants me to believe him. pretty much i just stopped saying stuff to him & just know in my heart that i dont mean as much to him as i wish i did. but dont know how hard it hurts to live with that everyday. knowing that he isnt happy with me && does that all the time. why cant he just stop this & care like he says he does. I seriously dont wanna keep doing this the rest of our lives... i cant. its slowly breaking me more & more. its all i fucking think about anymore. i fucking hate all this.
  • Current Music

okay so

had a lovely dream last night.

Sean had another myspace & it said before we got together. & it had all kinds of girls all over it and crazy messages, I mean, I cna remember girls faces and exact words that were on it.... a fucking dream!!! its so crazy, I cna still picture stuff that was on it, pictures, comments, everything.

UGH! this whole computer deal is totally getting to my head. I seriously woke up crying because of it. Idk, i cant explain it but it seemed sooo real and everything.


Sean finally got a job, after 2 whole months. omg, im so glad cuz i was so stressed i cant barely sleep at night.

who knows how many hours he'll get or anything. I asked him to tell me about it and he didnt even say nothing really. then he calls his mom n tells her all about it.

its like everything he does he has to talk to his mom n tell her everything n they make plans about it all.

its like im not even in his life, maybe he should just go back to living with her, he talks to her more than me anyways.

well i gotta get back to work and am so stressed out.

*_* Yours truly *_*
  • Current Music
    the rockstar song that guy sings lol
so alone

stuck on it

so yea, I can't get last night out of my head, idk. I mean every time i find something like this Sean instantly tries to come up with so many reasons at to why its okay and not wrong and how Im constantly doing stuff way worse. Well thats not the case and he just needs to deal with it. Somehow everything end up being my fault. I mean really, how can he sit there and blame him cheating on me my fault. && hes always said oh i wouldnt cheat on you id just break up with you but thats exactly what hes doing, even though he swears its not the same. w/e. Idk its just, I cant trust a word he says anymore cuz he lies to me about everything, even stupid stuff. && he still doesnt act like he cares about me anymore, the computer issues definitely arent helping that case for him either. All he cares about is himself anymore and that he is happy and has what he wants. I guess now i know that me and the baby mean very little to him for him to sit there and gamble on our relationship for stupid stuff that as he says doesnt even make him feel any better. glad to know i mean something to him after so long.
not only do i feel like he doesnt love me, i feel like he doesnt care about me n his son enough to just end it instead of doing this stuff. if he really cared he wouldnt keep doing it. i mean now i cant even look at him the same. && he'll never know exactly how bad that hurts me. for nothing at all to matter to him as long as he is getting what he wants and what makes him happy.

Sometimes i just wanna be like w/e its fucking over since he doesnt care anymore anyways, but at the same time, even if he doesnt care about me, that doesn't change how strongly i feel about him. I wanted so hard to just walk out last night & be done with his shit and i couldnt even do it.

I couldn't even do it.

I just wish we'd go back to how we used to be, when he actually made me feel like i meant the world to him.

instead of he doesnt want me but he doesnt want anyone else to have me.

maybe one day ill be special in his eyes again...
  • Current Music
    i can't unlove you -kenny rogers

its not done... i cant concentrate

You ever feel like you just don’t belong
Feel like your doing everything on your own
No one wants you but you continue to long
For that place where so much love is shown

You ever wonder if anyone really cares
Would they forget you after a few days
If your presence you no longer share
&& just go on with their merry little ways

Your perfect little life is all an illusion now
The love you’ve always shown seems meaningless

the death of Allycia

The stress is getting to be too much for me
My head just wont stop pounding
Its like im coming to the end now
This is gonna be the death of me
Someone save me from this misery
Doesn’t anyone see what this is doing to me
There’s nothing that’ll get my mind off of it
Its making me so paranoid
Like a bright light
&& I just can look away yet
Nothing I say or do will compensate
For the price that must be paid
Somehow I gotta pay off this debt
My head just wont stop pounding
  • Current Music
    simple plan -your love is a lie

every light in the house -trace adkins <3

I told you i'd leave a light on
incase you ever wanted to come back home
you smiled and said you appreciate the gesture

I took your every word to heart
'cause i cant stand us being apart
and just to show you how much i really miss you

Every light in the house is on
the backyard's bright as the crack of dawn
the front walk looks like runway lights
its kinda like noon in the dead of night

every light in the house is on
just in case you ever do get tired of bein' gone
every light in the house is on

If i should ever start forgettin'
ill turn the lights off one by one
so you cna see that i agree its over

but until then i want you to know
if you look south, you'll see a glow
thats me waitin at home each night to hold you

every light in the house is on
the backyard's bright as the crack of dawn
the front walk looks like runway lights
its kinda like noon in the dead of night

every light in the house is on
just in case you ever do get tired of being gone

oh, every light in the house is on
the backyard bright as the crack of dawn
the front walk looks like runway lights
its kinda like noon in the dead of night

every light in the house is on
just in case you ever do get tired of being gone
every light in the house is on